How to use a lawyer in divorce

Insights from someone who has been there, done that

Anna* was a busy mother of four when her marriage ended. Aside from dealing with the emotional and logistical implications of separating, Anna was faced with the question of ‘what next?’. The goal was to ensure her role as the primary caregiver, which helped to support her husband’s career growth and resulting income increases, was recognised in the splitting of assets. 

During the busy years of managing a family, her previously thriving banking career had taken a back seat. Anna had taken up some part time roles at various times, depending on childcare requirements and what she could feasibly do outside the home, especially when school holidays, addressing some additional learning needs of one of her children, and the general mental load of being a parent were taken into consideration. Anna’s focus was therefore on running a household. Her husband was travelling a lot, and even when he was in town, he took a secondary role in the workload at home. 

Conventional advice from well-meaning friends and acquaintances was to amicably ‘do the deal’ with minimal legal involvement. Interestingly, this was a common refrain from males, according to Anna. “This is important. We need to be wary of what advice is going to serve us, and what is coming from a place of self-interest. A different insight I heard from someone was that ‘if you could do this yourselves, you’d still be together’ – this made so much sense to me.” 

Anna knew that a DIY approach was unlikely to recognise the value of her role as the primary caregiver, versus her husband’s role in being the primary breadwinner. She knew she had to work with a lawyer who would be an advocate for her. “I needed a cheerleader, someone to fight in my corner. I didn’t have a voice in my marriage, so I needed a voice to get me out of it,” she said. 

Rather than be deterred by fear-mongering about the cost involved of working with lawyers, Anna said she knew she needed an expert in family law to help her walk away from a partnership that had run its course, in a way she could move forward. Now working for herself and growing a business, and without the ability to secure a mortgage, securing a solid financial base for her and her children was the primary aim.

“From the very first day of approaching Haigh Lyon, who had been recommended to me, I knew I was going to be okay. My immediate gut feel was that my lawyer had my back. I quietened the voices saying ‘lawyers want to make as much money in fees as possible so they draw it all out’. I knew my lawyer actually wanted the best for me.”

Anna also had an inkling that getting a settlement that was going to work for her was not going to be smooth sailing. “The divorce was not something my husband wanted in the first place. This was likely to have an impact on how he approached our negotiations.” 

Anna provided a detailed timeline of her relationship to her lawyer. “Your lawyer is not your counsellor. Don’t waste time with them face to face by talking through all the issues you had in your relationship. Send them a clear, detailed, factual timeline, by email. I was also conscious about contacting my lawyer when I had a specific question and needed advice. Once again, email. Let them do the heavy lifting in the negotiations. Give them the information they require to challenge anything you believe to be untrue that is coming from the other side.”

Generally, most people want to avoid a court case as part of their divorce proceedings. Anna and her ex-husband entered a mediation process. A forensic accountant was also engaged at this point as Anna’s lawyer discovered some assets that were not forthcoming from her ex-husband or his lawyer. “This proved to be a worthwhile investment, as while expensive, it helped ensure that a full and accurate picture of assets was on the table,” says Anna.

“One thing I would advise people to do ahead of the mediation day is to clarify with your lawyer what exactly your role is in this process – when to speak up, when to be quiet, and when your lawyer will step in to advocate for you.”

Three years on, Anna is in a good place financially and despite the emotional toll separation has had, she is in a great space mentally too. Her business is gaining traction and she has a clear financial plan she is carrying out to build for her future. 

Anna’s advice – Divorce 101:

• Get yourself a good lawyer (the best you can afford), and use them wisely, especially where children and significant assets are involved.
• Don’t listen to myths and legends – trust your own instinct.
• Get recommendations from others – ask around, be transparent and don’t be ashamed about the stigma around getting divorced.
• If you don’t feel a good ‘fit’ with the first lawyer you talk to – find a new one
• Put together a timeline of your relationship – what assets you both brought into the partnership, paid and unpaid work you undertook, what role you played in the management of the household, caregiving roles and how these were split, how often your partner’s work required travel and for how long, house purchases, investments – the more details the better. 
• Use email – meetings cost more money in the end as they take more time (you will need to meet face to face at times, but you can minimise these). 
• Hold your course – this is your one chance to get an equitable settlement.
• Be specific in what you are asking for from your lawyer – then they can light the path for you.

For expert advice on relationship property and family law matters please contact Jennie Hawker on @email or 09 985 2521.

* Not her real name, some details changed for privacy.